The Blob

The life you Twitter may be your own

By Tracy Farr

A lot of people have gotten hooked on this Twitter thing. Young, old, skinny, Oprah – but not me! I'll have nothing to do with it. I refuse to write chirpy little snippets of random chatter that make it seem like I’ve had way too much cheap coffee.

It's called “micro-blogging.” In 140 characters or less, you write about what you’re doing or thinking, foregoing the use of flowery adjectives, adverbs and dangling metaphors. Then you sit back and wait for other people to read what you’ve written (because they will, by golly), and then bask in the knowledge that what you’ve written is far better than anybody else’s.

“This is my first Tweet. I may be new at this, but you will see I’m the Master of the Twitter Universe. Follow me and learn much!” (128 characters)

In other words, people write a bunch of hogwash because that’s what our brain mostly comes up with – hogwash. And if it’s not hogwash, it’s a bunch of hooey (take your pick). I would wager that 99 percent of what goes through our brain at any given moment is mostly nonsense, hogwash or hooey, and the one percent that isn’t is still not much to write home about. But Twitterers do it anyway.

“Just woke up. I hate mornings. Must have coffee. But first I need to pee.” (73 characters)

Like we really needed that much information.

We have Jack Dorsey to blame for all of this. He came up with the concept of Twitter back in 2006. He thought Twitterers could Tweet their messages, get all Twitterpated about amassing millions of Followers (Twitterees), and maybe even find a Tweetheart and live happily ever after in a Twitterific world. How Tweet!

“Not feeling well. I think I Tweeted something that didn’t agree with me. Where’s the nearest toilet? I feel like I’m going to barf.” (131 characters)

Today, Twitter is the third most used social network on the internet, with 55 million visitors a month – one of them being the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose private jet recently had to make an emergency landing.

“A little adventure just now when my plane made an emergency landing. All’s ok, though.” (86 characters)

The Twitternator has spoken! Just makes you want to cry, doesn’t it?

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the word “twitter” means to “utter successive chirping noises. To talk in a chattering fashion. To tremble with agitation.” All of which sounds like something I’d rather not do in front of complete strangers – that and walking around with my zipper down.

“OMG! I’ve been walking around with my zipper down all day. Why didn’t somebody tell me?” (87 characters)

In the interest of research – because that’s what all good journalists fall back on when they want to sound authoritative on a subject but have no idea what they’re talking about – I recently opened a Twitter account just to see what all the hubbub was about. And after several days of investigation, I’ve come up with the following opinion about the whole thing:

Twitter is a pseudo social get-together where millions of people talk at the same time and nobody really listens to what anybody else says. Not only that, but most of those things that are being said are really not worth listening to in the first place. So what’s the point?

“I’m home from work. What a day! My wife is fixing my favorite meal – lasagna. She must have bought something expensive.” (119 characters)

“Just mowed the yard. Now I’m all sweaty and stinky. Going to take a shower then drink a large glass of sweet ice tea.” (117 characters)

“I just ate some bad sushi and feel like I’m about to blow chunks all over the bathroom wall. Is there a doctor in the house?” (124 characters)

Well, I’m sorry but I don't want anyone to know when my supper is about to make a re-appearance. I don't have a need to inform a group of strangers that my feet hurt or that I’m getting a haircut. Maybe I just want to blow my nose in peace and quiet without getting snot all over my laptop. But that’s what it takes to be a good Twitterer, and a good Twitterer I am not.

So, you go and have a good time. I have more important things to do. My toilets are clogged and I really need to pee! (134 characters)