Wind, brouhaha disrupt parade

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Gale-force winds wreaked havoc Saturday on Stinky Creek's Annual Christmas parade, tearing floats apart, causing horses to shy, and sending spectators to watch from the inside of their cars.  And if that wasn't enough, a fight broke out between members of the Red Dog Harley Riding Group and the Stink Bomb All-Female Roller Derby team.

"I believe this was absolutely the most disappointing parade our great state of Texas has ever witnessed," Stinky Creek Mayor Herbert Reese said.  "We had everything going for us -- we had horses, Harleys, bands, and Santa Claus -- but the winds just did us in.  And then to make matters worse, the Red Dogs and the Stink Bombs started the Mother of All Brouhahas -- right there on the street, and in front of our kids, too."

The parade started at Stinker Stadium and it quickly became apparent the windy conditions would put a Scrooge on the parade.  The first organization to be affected was the Stinky Creek High School Marching Band -- The Marching Stinkers.  Just as the band members were preparing to play their first song of the parade, a gust of wind blew all their music away.

"But we didn't let a little adversity dampen our spirits, nosirree!" band director Marty Hester said.  "I told the band to keep marching, to play everything by memory, and if they couldn't remember a song, fake it!  There was a lot of faking going on out there, but they did it with pride and with their heads held high."

As the parade made its way to the square, floats were ripped apart by the strong winds and horses refused to go any further.  The only float that survived was the one put together by the Ladies of the Camo Hat Society.

"When we put together a float, we don't do it with silly masking tape and staples," said Judy Bankhead,  president of the local camo hat chapter.  "We use rivet guns, nail guns and welding torches.  We may be ladies, but we're not afraid to chip a few fingernails in order to build something right."

The incident that brought the whole parade to a stop was the fight between the Red Dog Harley Riding Group and the Stink Bomb Roller Derby Team.

"The Red Dogs were all wearing reindeer antlers on their heads, but the wind kept blowing the antlers off," Sheriff Max Welter said.  "At first it looked like the Stink Bombs were going to lend a helping hand, but instead of giving the antlers back to the riders, they skated away with the antlers.  The Red Dogs chased them down and that's when the altercation began."

According to the sheriff, the Red Dogs threw the first punches, but the Stink Bombs showed them who was boss.  Two members of the Red Dogs went to the hospital for broken noses, and three Stink Bombs were arrested for assault.

"We were just trying to have a little fun," said Susan Dennis, a member of the Stink Bombs who is better known as The Queen of Mayhem.  "We would have given their antlers back, but then they started talking smack, so we smacked them back.  You just don't know how satisfying it is to smack a nose and hear it break.  It's like Christmas music to my ears."

"Our Christmas parade is one of the things I look forward to each year, but I hope to forget this one as soon as possible," Mayor Reese said.  "Oh the shame of it all.  The absolute, unmitigated shame of it all."