Sunday school teacher acquitted
of assaulting her husband

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

A local Sunday school teacher was acquitted last week of assaulting her husband with a dining room chair, a spatula, a toaster, a whole cabinet full of plastic cups, and a variety of metal kitchen utensils.

With a beaming smile, Judy Bankhead left the court surrounded by her three children and parents.  Her bruised husband, Jerry Bankhead, followed behind trying not to make eye contact with the crowd that was assembled. 

"This is a great day for women," Mrs. Bankhead said, "but now I'm ready to move ahead and get on with my life as a mother, teacher, and a loving wife who won't put up with you- know-what from you-know-who."

Last month, Sheriff Max Welter was called out to the Bankhead home on a domestic disturbance call.  When he got there, he found Mr. Bankhead on his knees in the front yard, bleeding from numerous cuts to his face and hands.  Plastic cups and silverware littered the lawn.

"Mrs. Bankhead must not have known I was there because while I was standing next to her husband, she opened up the front door and threw another cup at him," Sheriff Welter said during the trial.  "And it wasn't no flimsy throw-awayable cup either.  It was a heavy duty souvenir Texas Ranger cup -- and she beaned him right in the head.  I must say she has a good throwing arm."

During the trial, Mrs. Bankhead's attorney, Malcom Hodges, argued that the incident was totally brought on by Jerry Bankhead and that his client should be set free.

"Never has a husband done something so despicable to his wife and family as Jerry Bankhead did to HIS wife and family," Hodges said to the jury.  "Kind, loving and forgiving Judy Bankhead -- a Sunday school teacher -- was FORCED to respond in the way she did.  He gave her no other choice."

According to her testimony, Mrs. Bankhead said the evening started with a pleasant surprise -- when she got home from work her husband was fixing supper.

"It's something he used to never do, but since he's been on this hunting kick, he's been cooking more and more," Mrs. Bankhead said. "What surprised me was that he was cooking even though hunting season hadn't begun."

Mrs. Bankhead testified that dinner smelled especially good, but that her husband refused to say what they were having.

"He's usually not so secretive," she said, "so I just guessed that he wanted to keep it a surprise.  Little did I know what kind of secret he was keeping."

As the family was eating at the dinner table, Mr. Bankhead couldn't keep his secret any longer.  He told them exactly what they were eating. Armadillo casserole.

"My mouth was full of food and I spit it clear across the room," Mrs. Bankhead said.  "And then I barfed up just about everything that had ever thought about being in my stomach -- and the kids did exactly the same thing.

"I remember thinking I shouldn't throw the knives," Mrs. Bankhead said, "but other than that, I don't remember much about what I threw or where I threw it.  I guessed I just blanked out.  The next thing I remember is Sheriff Welter handcuffing me to the refrigerator."

Judge Ellen Sanders asked Mr. Bankhead if he had anything to say for himself.

"I tried to tell her that it wasn't road kill, that I had shot it in the neighbor's yard, but I don't think she was listening," Mr. Bankhead said. "In fact, I know she wasn't listening because she was holding a chair over her head at the time and taking careful aim at my head. Judge Sanders," he added, "I deserved what I got."

"Yes, you most certainly did," Judge Sanders responded.  "And if you ever do anything like this again I hope she throws the refrigerator at you next time.  Case dismissed."

And with that, the case of the Armadillo casserole came to its end.