Around the Church

By Elving G. Potsdam
Daily Spittoon Correspondent

Serving mixed drinks in the Fellowship Hall

Local and county officials, as well as local clergy, were shocked by recent allegations that mixed drinks were being served during a local fundraiser at the Stinky Creek Methodist Church. Details are sketchy, but despite a seemingly innocent explanation, officials are still debating a call for a more in-depth investigation and possible legislation.

Indications are that near the end of the recent fundraiser, in an effort to ensure glasses were full, volunteer waitress Amy Vertigo topped of the mayor's sister's husband's nieces' glass of ginger ale punch (that "yallar punch") with orange fruit punch.  The resulting concoction, while unusual, was reportedly still tasty.  This led a bystander to remark to Amy that she may have made a real big mistake by creating a mixed drink.  The comment resulted in four raised eyebrows, a snicker and seven requests to have their glasses refilled pronto. 

One can only hope cooler heads prevail and that local officials won’t see the need for added ordinances. Only time will tell.

Hundreds saved during women's spiritual retreat

According to Luvenia C. “Lucy” Buggs, the sponsor of the recent women’s spiritual retreat, the retreat was a resounding success. Ms. Buggs claimed that hundreds were saved over the weekend which took place in Dallas. Others attending were Alice Beatle, Elmyra Hornswaddle, and Sharonna Di Saronna. Judging from the ladies significant change in wardrobe upon their return to Stinky Creek, one couldn’t help but wonder whether Ms. Buggs was referring to the saving of souls at the retreat, or the saving of dollar bills at the adjacent outlet mall.

In what could be a related event, an impromptu trunk show was held at the Stinky Creek Saloon by the aforementioned ladies in an effort to gain support for their “savings” spree. All four of the ladies' husbands are still trying to determine the exact amount of "savings" they incurred, especially after the following month's credit card statements began to arrive.