Movie Rental Review
Cloverfield

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

If you have a few extra dollars to spare and want to rent a good movie over the weekend, then stay away from Cloverfield. You'd get more use out of the money if you shredded it and used it as garnish over a nice Caesar salad.

In fact, that's all I really have to say about the movie. So why did I make you jump to this second page? I don't know. Maybe it was to apologize for suggesting you ruin a perfectly good salad by sprinkling Ones on top of it.

Actually, the people who should be apologizing are the movie studio executives who stole my money, making me believe that Cloverfield was a movie worth watching.

And why did I hate it so much? It wasn't because of the actors because they actually did an okay job. It wasn't because of the story line because it wasn't too bad either. And it wasn't because of the "monster" because it looked pretty scary. I hated the movie so much because the story unfolds through the shaking, bobbing, upside down at times, never-still lens of a home video camera -- as if regular people like you and me have no earthly clue on how to use one.

You want proof that Joe Q. Public can use a video camera? Just watch America's Funniest Videos. There's nothing shaky about those videos. They're not bobbing up and down like some cork on an ocean during a hurricane. And you always see a clear view of the poor slob getting pounded in the crotch by his young son's baseball bat.

So I have a message for all those responsible for the production of this movie: Don't do it again. We're watching you. We have video cameras and we know how to use them. And if you ever doubt it again, we'll get all Cloverfield on your behind.

Cloverfield is Rated PG-13 because children shouldn't see adults using video equipment poorly.