It is by far the biggest Hollywood blockbuster of the summer; it could quite possibly earn the late Heath Ledger an Oscar nomination for his role as the Joker; it’s on its way to bringing in more money than the IRS; but “The Dark Knight” left me asking a lot of questions. And the first one was this: Whose idea was it to get rid of Adam West? 

Adam West and his sidekick Burt Ward, stars of the 1960s Batman TV series, are THE Batman and Robin in my book. They fought for truth, justice and the American way (or was that Superman?), and proved that real men could still have fun sliding down poles. Without West and Ward, Hollywood Batman movies are just action shows with a lot of cool toys. 

(Speaking of toys – the Batman toys I had back when I was young were made out of good old American aluminum diecast, guaranteed to last until the sun went supernova. And what kind of toys will appear on local shelves this Christmas season? Plastic ones imported from China guaranteed to last until next Thursday.) 

Now where was I. Oh, yes! Action! 

There was so much action in “The Dark Knight,” I almost fell out of my seat twice, and actually jumped out of my seat once (and you know exactly what I’m talking about because I saw you jump, too!) Yessiree! Cars were crashing this way and that, Batman was flying from building to building, the Joker took pleasure in turning chaos into an art form – but all of that brings me to my next question: Whose idea was it to get rid of the BAMs, ZOWIEs and KAPOWS during the fight scenes? That’s how us 60s kids learned to read. 

If you look back at the old TV series, nobody really got punched at all. That’s because the ZOWIEs and KAPOWs covered up all the action. And is anything covering up the action in “The Dark Knight”? Holy sucker punch, Batman! Good guys and bad guys are getting knocked off so fast, I doubt even Chuck Norris could keep up the pace. 

What else gave me pause for thought? Just this: No one said “Holy barracuda, Batman,” or “Holy catnip, Batman.” So what if there wasn’t a Robin in this movie to say it. The people in charge could have put a Holy something or other in the movie anyways for no other reason than to pay homage to the TV series. I would have done it, and you would have done it, too. But alas, they didn’t ask us (which explains why we aren’t filthy rich right now). 

And what’s with this light-weight, bullet-proof, Teflon non-stick bat suit? All Adam West needed was a cape and some tights. I guess they just don’t make Batmans like they used to. 

I’m glad Adam West isn’t dead yet, because if he were, he’d be dead and wouldn’t give a care.

And now for my final question: Whose idea was it to get rid of the original theme song? Everybody knows that a Batman movie without “NaNa-NaNa-NaNa-NaNa, NaNa-NaNa-NaNa-NaNa Batman!” just isn’t a Batman movie worth watching. Yes, there’s not much to the song, but I can still sing it word for word – and I bet you can, too! Go ahead and try it. Nobody’s looking and I won’t tell. 

I miss the old Batman TV series. I miss Alfred the Butler, Aunt Harriet, Chief O’Hara and Commissioner Gordan. I miss Burgess Meredith, Cesar Romero, Frank Gorshin and Julie Newmar as Catwoman (hubba, hubba). I especially miss the narrator saying, “Tune in tomorrow. Same Bat-time! Same Bat-channel!” But now it’s time to step aside and embrace a new Batman – because that’s the American thing to do. 

Would I recommend taking your toddlers to see “The Dark Knight”? Probably not, because the big biker guy sitting in front of you is going to get perturbed at having his seat kicked throughout the entire show. Would I recommend taking your great grandmother? Depends on her heart condition. Do I plan on seeing the movie again? Holy Cinema V, Batman! I’m standing in line as I type this.