The Spit   

There's nothing like a good diet

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

I dream of eating jelly-filled donuts and Oreo cookies and moon pies and double chocolate chip ice cream and smores and more smores and salted French fries dipped in bowls of ketchup -- but, alas, I'm on a diet again, and those visions of junk food can only dance in my head (for the time being).

I've tried everything I can think of to get my scales to read in the "acceptable" range, but it has a mind of its own and refuses to cooperate. I've tried the eat-watermelon-all-day-and-pee-the-inches-off diet; I've tried the walk-three-miles-extremely-fast-and-throw-up program; I've tried doing  mental-pushups; I watched one of my wife's silly aerobic videos where beautiful women in leotards try to get you to move in ways no human male body is MEANT to move; I've even tried the let's-burn-calories-by-throwing-the-scales-out-the-window exercise plan. But none of them have worked for me in the past.

Know I'm trying something "exciting and new." It may sound too weird to be believed, but I'm currently participating in the only-eat-the-samples-at-Wal-Mart diet plan. Of course that means I only eat when they're offering free food and I collect a lot of toothpicks, but it seems to be working.