Dueling Guitars

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

It's not every day a church service should be rated PG-13, but today was unlike any other day for the congregation of the Stinky Creek United Methodist Church.

On a typical Sunday, members of the congregation start to congregate 30 minutes before the service, shaking hands, eating donuts, drinking coffee, and listening to Stan Phillips and Robby McDougall play their guitars and sing inspirational music. Rev. Michael Jones steps up to his pulpit at 11 a.m. sharp, the guitarists turn off their microphones and amps, and everybody settles down for a long afternoon nap.

The day started off like every other Sunday, but when all was said and done, nobody got their nap.

Just as Rev. Jones was heading to his pulpit, Stan mumbled under his breath how he wished Robby would learn how to tune his guitar, and Robby whispered back that Stan should shutup and take voice lessons. Stan leaned over to Robby and told him if he didn't keep a steady beat he'd beat him steadily until he could, and Robby retorted that if he even THOUGHT about touching him he'd whip him like a bowl of eggs. Stan called Robby a walking enima, and Robby called Stan a brainless booger. Stan called Robby a tonedeaf #$%*!, and Robby called Stan a useless *$%#! with legs.

Of course this exchange was heard by everyone in the congregation because Stan and Robby hadn't turned off their microphones. If the finance committee would have found the extra money for some monitors, the duo would have been able to hear themselves and stop. But of course money's tight these days, and the dueling guitarists had no idea they were the center of attention.

Not that that would have mattered.

Oblivious that the whole congregation was dead quiet, Stan stood up and slammed his guitar in Robby's face. Robby stabbed Stan in the ribs with the neck of his guitar, ducking as Stan was taking another swing. Robby pushed Stan off the stage into the choir loft, sending the sopranos into a tizzy, while Stan was trying to kick anything that might be vital to Robby's future as a father. The two pushed and shoved and bit and slammed and cursed and kicked their way right out the side door of the church, into the hallway and out the back door.

And while all this was going on the congregation sat in stunned silence.

Rev. Jones stepped up to the mic, tapped it once to see if it was on and said, "Isn't it a great day to be in church? "