Fighting Stinkers lose opening game;
Texas rep makes it almost bearable

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

The Mighty Fighting Stinkers may have lost their 401st game in a row, but visiting Texas representative Ralph Long made it almost bearable as he did play-by-play announcing over the loud speaker.

"Are ya'll ready for some Mighty Stinking football?" Long said over the PA system before the start of the game.  "I know I am.  And it doesn't matter how much they stink, we still love 'em."

The Stinkers made quite a few errors on both offense and defense, but not as many as Representative Long.

"Well folks, it looks like the Stinkers will start this inning on their own 25," Long said halfway through the first quarter.  "No, wait a minute, they're starting on their own 45.  No wait, the Stinkers don't have the ball, it's the Cougars' ball.  They are the Cougars, aren't they?  Don't ya just love this game?"

Stinker Quarterback Tony Stevens ran for a 35-yard touchdown and Representative Long was there giving a blow-by-blow description of what was going on.

"There goes Wyatt, no, I mean Stevens, he's got the ball in the backfield, and he's running to the left, which is your right, no, it's my left so it must be your left too, and boy can that boy run," Long said to the crowd.  "There he goes down the sideline heading for home and look at those Cougars chasing him.  Nay-nay-na-nay-nay, you can't catch him! There he goes breaking one tackle, and then another, and he's still running.  Will someone bring me a soda, this boy's making me thirsty."

At the end of the third quarter, the Stinkers were down 6-35, but that didn't stop Long from giving the Stinkers some hope.

"Don't look down boys," he said, "you're carrying on a long tradition, but it all could change in the next 30 minutes.  So get up off of those sad faces and go out there and show what the Stinkers are really about."

Unfortunately, Long forgot to turn off his microphone and everybody in the stadium heard him say: "And what you're really about is really stinking up the place."

With two minutes remaining in the game, it looked like the Stinkers had scored again, but it turned out to be a miscommunication between the press box and everybody else.

"Why isn't the band playing?" Long could be heard over the PA system.  "Band, you need to play because the Stinkers just scored.  Wait a minute, the Stinkers haven't scored?  Then why did the refs hold up their hands? They were indicating how close we are to a first down?  You've got to be kidding?  It looked like a touchdown signal to me.  I guess I need some new glasses.  Sorry band, carry on."

After the game, the losing Stinkers game down to the track to listen to the Mighty Band From Stinker Land play the alma mater.

"And that's the game folks," Long said. "What a heartbreaker.  And now, everybody should get up and let's all sing the alma mater.  Cheerleaders, I want to hear you sing the most."

And then, as the alma mater was played, Long showed his school spirit by singing the alma mater over the PA system, louder than the band, but in the wrong key.

As the team and crowd left the field, Long was heard one last time saying: "Well, how did I do?  This was my audition, right?  So, do I get the job?"

More than one Stinker fan could be heard saying "Heck, No! He's Gotta Go!"