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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
Spittoon Features
Front Page The Daily Spittoon is updated every Monday morning before the entire staff heads over to the Stinky Creek Saloon for lunch. If you have any complaints, don't interrupt us while we're eating. Just send us an email. Send all
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Local man sues fortune cookie makers
By Tracy Farr A local Stinky Creekian is suing the maker of Chinese fortune cookies for "enticing me with the prospect of a rosy future, then dashing those prospects with fortunes that foretell of doom, gloom and abysmal financial dealings -- not to mention unrequited love affairs and death by slow asphyxiation." Forty-seven year old Tommy Holinger says he's had enough of bad luck, and blames it all on a Chinese conspiracy to make Americans feel bad about themselves. "It all started with the earlobe incident," Holinger said. "I should have seen it coming because I had just eaten at Mao's Chinese just the day before. My fortune cookie said something like 'lending an ear to a friend is painful.' I didn't take heed then, but I am now." Since then, Holinger has eaten at Mao's often and has noticed a trend in the fortunes he receives. "While everyone is laughing about possible pay raises and bright futures, my fortunes are always of a 'roadblock in your future' kind," Holinger said. "It's like someone has it out for me. Like they are trying to undermine my self-esteem. But I don't think it's aimed just at me. I bet millions of God-fearing Americans are getting the same subliminal messages that they are doomed and not worth an ounce of chow mien." Holinger believes the company that makes the fortune cookies, Freddy's Fabulous Fortunes based in California, is a Chinese dummy corporation whose sole purpose is to undermine the confidence of everyday Americans. "And then, when our guard is down, they're going to annex America and force us to make cheap toys and pay us next to nothing," Holinger said. "It's a conspiracy I tell you. A conspiracy." In a brief statement, Johnny Mao, owner of Mao's Chinese said, "Mr. Holinger has been a regular customer for years. I think he needs to get more sleep." |
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The Daily Spittoon is an independently owned rural newspaper. |
