VIRGO

You've never seen so many bills, and you realize some of the bills are from a credit card you lost recently and forgot to report as missing. Luckily, it'll only take three years to convince anyone you didn't make the purchases. Order as many credit cards as you can and use them to keep yourself living in the lap of luxury.

LIBRA

Your brand new Saturn is pulling to the left. Talk to your mechanic before it pulls you into an oncoming diesel. Tell your mechanic what makes you insecure and happy. Duck when he tries to punch you for getting too personal.

SCORPIO

Watch out for your "friends." They are stabbing you in the back and enjoying it. In fact, they're working on a plan to knock you off and feed your remains to the hogs. And then they'll attempt to steal your big-screen television. Have a nice day!

SAGITTARIUS

Take your bow and arrows and shoot for the stars, but watch out for the arrows as they come down. This month brings a bag of despair: you'll possibly be laid off, job hunting will be useless, you'll eat at the soup kitchen and sleep at the YMCA. But look on the bright side -- at least you're not a Scorpio.

CAPRICORN

Caring for an elderly relative is frustrating, but things will get better because the relative will die by spring -- so stop your complaining. Neptune is stirring up your creativity, so find a way to cash in on your relative's demise.

AQUARIUS

Your same old routine is driving you to drink. Take advantage of the situation and treat yourself to a screwdriver. Just because your grandmother won't take the kids doesn't mean you and your better half can't go on a vacation. Just leave the kids with a non-English speaking nanny and don't give them a phone number where you can be reached.

PISCES

The Mars Bar your mate ate is making him crabby. Be your diplomatic best when you tell him to stuff a sock in it. Don't give him space to vent, tell him to suck it in, and never admit you're wrong. If he has one inkling that you're wrong, he'll be impossible to live with for the rest of your life.

ARIES

Responsibilities pile up, and you, weary Ram, feel like you're crossing a chasm on a ledge that is crumbling underneath you. Try tackling a sticky topic with the woman in your life. If that doesn't work, tackle the woman. Violence yields solutions.

TAURUS

Are you serious about getting back into shape? The new moon gives you that kick in the pants that lovingly says, "You're crazy, get back on that couch!" Don't talk to your mate. Let those problems grow until they are simply too large for anyone to handle.

GEMINI

Cosmic energy or a swelling river will flood your basement this month. Ten bucks says you don't have flood insurance. Twenty bucks says you don't have cosmic energy insurance. The Sun, Venus and Mercury are touring your social sector. Tell them to go away and leave your social sector the hell alone.

CANCER

Your loved one is working harder and longer, and you should constantly check up on him because the planets know it's just an excuse to see the new secretary. Check his shirts for lipstick.

LEO

Education will pave the road to future success. Take off several years from your job to learn about computers, because that's where the big money is. Beware: when you get out of college, you'll be too old to compete with the young whippersnappers. But don't worry -- being 25 doesn't mean you're over the hill. You can still get a job at Burger King.