Local resident sees IFO over pasture

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Local dairy farmer John Heebley was feeding his herd Wednesday evening when he felt a tingling sensation on the back of his neck -- as if someone was watching him.  When he turned, there wasn't a soul in his pasture, but what was above it turned him cold with fright.

"I've never seen anything so frightening in my whole entire life," Mr. Heebley testified at his trial.  "It's no wonder that I was driving like a maniac.  I was trying to warn others about what I saw.  And the only reason I drove my truck through the Benton's front door is because I was looking behind me to make sure I wasn't being chased."

And what would cause Mr. Heebley to run in fright, drive his Chevy pickup at ungodly speeds and crash into a neighbor's house?  Sheriff Max Welter says Heebley was drunk, but Heebley claims he was being chased by an Invisible Flying Object.  

"It was long, and round, and it was just sitting there above the trees, watching me feed the cows," Heebley said to Crappy County Judge Ellen Sanders.  "I never actually saw it, but I could feel it, and I hope I never feel something like that again."

DISTRICT ATTORNEY HARVEY STONE:  You mean to tell us you were running from something you couldn't see?
HEEBLEY:  Yes sir, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
STONE:  But if you couldn't see it, how could you describe it as long and round?
HEEBLEY:  I FELT it was long and round, and it was menacing me.
STONE: And that's why you rammed your truck into the Benson's home, because an invisible flying object was menacing you?
HEEBLEY:  That's right, and if you had been in my shoes, you'd have done the same.
STONE:  Why didn't you take a picture of it?  You could have been famous.  You could have proven to the world that there really are UFOs.
HEEBLEY:  You're not very bright, are you?  Everybody knows you can't take a picture of an IFO because it's invisible.  And besides, I didn't have a camera.

According to Sheriff Welter's testimony, when he arrived on scene, Heebley was stuck in his truck, pinned in by debris from the house.

"I could smell the beer on his breath as soon as we got him out of his truck," Welter said.  "We found seven empty beer cans inside the cab and an unopened six-pack in the back."

STONE:  Is it possible, Mr. Heebley, that you'd been drinking all afternoon, went out to feed your cows and just imagined that you saw something invisible hovering over your pasture?
HEEBLEY:  Absolutely not! I drank them beers while waiting on the sheriff to help me out of my truck.
STONE:  You had enough time to drink seven beers?
HEEBLEY:  The sheriff was slow and I was thirsty.

In his closing speech, defense attorney Malcom Hodges told the jury the DA's case against his client was secondary to the bigger threat -- the threat that invisible flying objects have on the sovereignty of the United States of America.

"Just this month, UFOs have been spotted all over Texas," Hodges said.  "Is it possible that Mr. Heebley could have seen one? Most possible.  Is it more possible he didn't see one?  Absolutely.  And that's our point.  These UFOs are just like roaches -- the ones you see scurrying across the counter can't compare to the number of the little buggers you don't see behind the wall.

"Mr. Heebley has done this country a great favor," Hodges continued.  "Without him, we may have never known that invisible little green men are up there, watching us, and waiting to take this great country of ours away from us.  Mr. Heebley is a hero, and should be treated as such."

The jury was sent out for deliberation and is not expected to return with its verdict for quite some time.