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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
Spittoon Features
Front Page The Daily Spittoon is updated every Monday morning before the entire staff heads over to the Stinky Creek Saloon for lunch. If you have any complaints, don't interrupt us while we're eating. Just send us an email. Send all
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I'm Just a Guy Shhhh! Come closer. I’ve got a secret to tell. It’s not an earth-shattering secret, or an Homeland Security secret, or a New York governor gone wild secret – it’s just something that I usually don’t share with others. But I’ve decided I’m going to share this with you. The only thing I ask is that you keep this just between us. Don’t even tell your Aunt Edna in El Paso. Okay. Here goes: When people are not watching – when their backs are turned and their attention is somewhere else – I like to juggle. Yes! I said juggle. Keep your voice down. There are people everywhere. Like I was saying – I like to juggle, but I never do it where people can see. Why? I don’t know why. There’s probably some psycho-babble reason for it, but I’m too shallow to jump into that pond. I don’t juggle in front of others because that’s just the ways it has been, and will be, forever and ever, Amen. I started juggling when I was about five or six. I could have been seven, maybe even eight, but I think it was six. Which one? Why do you need to know which one? Does it really matter? I was young, and you ask too many questions. I remember watching someone juggle and it seemed like magic to me. Balls would go up, balls would come down, balls would go all around, and not a one would hit the ground. When I got home, I tried it myself. There was absolutely no magic in those balls. The balls went up, I waited patiently for them to come back down, but they high-tailed it in different directions destroying everything in their path. One ball broke a lamp, one clobbered the good dishes in the china cabinet, and one actually made its escape by smashing through a window. It was if they had been on death row and someone had opened up the cell door to set them free. Don’t ask me what my parents did to me when they got home. I’ve blocked it out of my memory. Hmmmm. I wonder if that’s why I juggle in secret? I wonder if they did something to me to wreck a promising career with the circus? I wonder why I’m wondering all this? Who knows? Better yet, who cares? At first I would juggle the standard things like tennis balls and dirty underwear. As I got better and better, I graduated to juggling things like coffee cups, hammers and clean underwear. I once tried to juggle with my mom’s expensive steak knives – the ones that can cut through bricks and diesel engines – but it was disastrous. My brother is all better now and he doesn’t hold any grudges. Thanks for asking. Anyways, I don’t juggle in front of people. I juggle in private places like elevators, doctors’ waiting rooms, and bathrooms at Burger King. And just in case you were wondering – Yes! I wash my hands after I juggle. Doesn’t everybody? Sometimes I juggle while I’m driving a car. I once juggled all the way from Texarkana to Dallas. I drove really fast so truck drivers couldn’t pass me, look down and see an idiot juggling in a ’72 Buick. WARNING: Trying to juggle while driving a ’72 Buick is stupid. It’s best to leave it to professionals. I’m not a professional. I’m pretty darn stupid. I like to juggle at work. It’s a great stress reliever. When I hear someone coming I put everything in a desk drawer and pretend I’m working on something important. So far, nobody has caught on. I think one of the most mind-blowing places to juggle would be in an airplane. Just think about it. The plane would be flying through the air at 400 miles per hour, which means the balls would also be flying through the air at 400 miles per hour. And if a person were to juggle at 400 miles per hour, how would they be able to catch those little boogers? You don’t know? Of course you don’t know. Only little kids know the proper way to catch boogers and they’re not talking. I have never actually juggled in a plane because of the obvious reason – I don’t juggle in front of people. Maybe someday I’ll be able to, but for right now, it’s not on my agenda. Well, that’s my secret. It’s not much but it’s all I have. And don’t forget – this is just between you and me. |
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The Daily Spittoon is an independently owned rural newspaper. |
