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'I am JFK and Marilyn's love child'

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon         

Even though it can't possibly be true, a 77-year-old Crappie County resident claims that he is the love child of former President John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe.

John Monroe, retired construction worker, made the claim Friday in a phone interview with The Daily Spittoon.

"I know it sounds wacky, but JFK was my papa and Marilyn was my mother," Monroe said. "The numbers don't add up, but there's a logical explanation -- aliens from outer space."

The former president and movie actress are believed to have had an affair while he was in office. Video of Marilyn singing Happy Birthday to the president on May 19, 1962, although circumstantial, would seem to verify it.

"But even if they did conceive a child, that person would be in their mid 40s," said Dr. Herbert Mann, Director of Mental Health at Crappie County Regional Hospital. "I can't specifically discuss Mr. Monroe's case, but you can plainly see he's a bit too old to be their lovechild. Anyway, how did you hear about this?"

"It was aliens I tell you," Monroe said. "They went into the future, got DNA from both JFK and Marilyn, and grew me in a test tube. You can ask Mildred Monroe. She's the woman who raised me. She's 92 but she'll remember."

"That boy has something wrong in his head," said Mildred Monroe from her room at the Doris Wainwright Assisted Living Facility. "I thought I was going to die giving birth to that one. He came out 10 pounds 4 ounces and I slapped his father in the face for making me go through it. He weren't no love child of anybody. He was an "oopsy" from Mildred and Henry Monroe, and that's the truth."

Confronted with the truth of what his mother said, Monroe responded:

"They brainwashed her. Aliens can do that. But I have proof" he said. "If you just come over here and sign me out, I'll show you. Just tell them you're my long lost uncle. I've got to go now. I'm not supposed to be out of my room using the phone. Hurry! You'll see I'm telling the truth. And the truth will set me free."