Mayor says temperature is "a bit brisk"

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

In his annual Mayor's Day announcement about the weather, Mayor Herbert Reese stepped out onto his front porch and officially announced that the temperature was "a bit brisk."

The announcement signaled that there could be anywhere between one and three more months of winter weather.

"The weather this winter has certainly made me believe that global warming is anything but a myth," Mayor Reese said to the small audience that gathered on his lawn.  "Earlier in the week I felt for certain I would be describing the temperature as 'certainly humid,' but then the winds shifted and so did the temperature.  Therefore, I hereby declare the weather is a bit brisk, and all good citizens should take care to layer their clothing because nobody knows what the future will bring."

Commenting on the mayor's announcement, local weatherman Allen Peever of KSTK Channel 9 said: "The January weather this year has been unseasonably warm.  If it hadn't been for a Canadian cool front that swept through the state on Wednesday, I'm sure the mayor's announcement would have sent local residents scurrying to pack away their winter clothing."

The annual announcement by the acting mayor is a largely ceremonial one that dates back to the winter of 1847.  On January 17 of that year, fistfights broke out throughout the town because people disagreed on how to describe the coldness of the weather.  What was “chilly” to one person was “frigid” to another.  To stop the senseless violence, Mayor Dub Williams declared the weather “downright cold” and told everybody to go home, drink something warm and put another log on the fire.

Every year since them, crowds have gathered at the mayor's house on the 17th of January to hear the official verdict on how to describe the weather.  According to tradition, a “downright cold” verdict means only two more months of winter, but if the mayor says it’s a “bit nippy,” folks can expect an additional four months of arctic weather.  Luckily for all of us, the mayor has never had to say, “it’s quite balmy out here.”  That would indicate global warming is upon us and everybody should go home and sell their parkas and snowmobiles.

"I had a feeling the mayor's prediction would have us selling our cold weather clothing on eBay," Stinky Creek resident Norm Kordell said, "but luckily it didn't.  A 'bit brisk' is better than 'quite balmy', but not by much.  I guessed we dodged the bullet this time."