Teenager vies for couch potato title

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

When 13-year-old Randall Cross returns to school next week, he'll have a story to tell that will make all the other students his age green with envy.

And what did Randall do during his summer vacation? Randall has been sitting on his couch for the last 76 days playing video games, trying to break the record for the longest time a human being can sit in one place and do practically nothing of importance.  According to the record books, he may be the only person on the planet to attempt such a feat.

"I'm a little sore from all the sitting, but look at these thumbs! They're thumbs of steel now," Randall said giving two thumbs up. "During the past 76 days I did get up for food and to use the bathroom, but I only gave myself five minutes for each. Other than that, I've been sitting right here."

Randall's mother, Marsha Cross, said she was a little worried when her son began his quest to break the record, but was proud of him now that his time on the couch was coming to an end.

"I thought he wouldn't stick with it, but he really surprised me," Marsha said. "He's gained a bit of weight, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the things you want."

When Randall began his record-breaking attempt he weighed 92 pounds. He now tips the scale at 172. His couch now has a permanent indentation where he's been sitting.

"While other kids where outside riding their bikes, going to movies, swimming, reading books and everything else, I was right here accomplishing a goal that I set for myself," Randall said. "Okay, so I'm a bit heavier and I breathe a little harder when I get up to go to the refrigerator, but I can now make it past the 25th level of Ninja Bob, Monster Truck Warrior -- and not many guys my age can say that."

Even though Randall may go down in history, not everyone is thrilled by his claim to fame.

"Boys his age shouldn't be sitting around twiddling their thumbs all summer," said Barbara Owens, an expert in knowing what others should and shouldn't be doing.  "Boys his age need to be outside mowing the yard, raking leaves, digging holes in the ground.  It's just unnatural for them to stare at a TV screen all day, playing games about blowing up things. Nothing good will come of it."

"If the only good thing that comes from my son breaking this record is that we can afford to buy a new couch, I'll be happy," Marsha Cross said.