KSTNK General Manager Bryan Harrison announced today that Channel 9 will stop airing European soccer until the Europeans make the game more suited for an American audience.

"Against my better judgment, I agreed to air the recent European Soccer whatever match, and I was totally flabbergasted," Harrison said. "There weren't any cheerleaders, all the players had foreign-sounding names, and they played 45 minutes at a time without cutting to commercials so us Americans could pee. And then just when you think time has run out and your safe to change channels, they add a few more minutes at the end and nobody knows when the heck the game is over. Well, that's just not American."

The finals of the EUFA 2008 Euro Soccer Championships saw Germany battling against Spain, with Spain winning 1-0.

"And the announcers kept saying one-nil," Harrison said. "What's a nil? At least that's what I think they were saying. They all had European accents and it was very hard to keep things straight."

Harrison said he will make a list of things the FCC has to change before he will ever again broadcast a foreign soccer game.

"The first thing on my list is they've got to stop calling the field a pitch," Harrison said. "Everyone knows what a pitch is, and it has nothing to do with soccer. Which brings me to the next item on my list -- they have to start calling soccer, soccer. No more of this football stuff. Football is played with helmets and pads and not sissy shorts."

Harrison also wants to do away with the crowd's singing and whistling.

"They all sing -- every last one of them. And when they're not singing, they're whistling," he said. "Americans don't sing and whistle, we scream and drink beer. And when someone gets hurt playing football, we stop playing and go to a commercial break. What do they do in soccer? They keep right on playing, singing and whistling as if what they were doing was important.

"And if it was so important, why are the scores so low?" Harrison said. "Soccer games won't air on my TV station until each goal is worth at least five or six points. This one-nil malarkey has got to go."

Harrison said he will be forwarding his demands to the FCC this week.

"I'm all in favor of new things," Harrison said. "Heck, we'll be broadcasting a Japanese game show next week and I think it will be great. But until these soccer people make some changes, there will be no more of it on KSTNK Channel 9. Your station with an open heart, and mind!"

Calls to the FCC were not returned before press time.