The Spit

Oh, to be filthy stinking rich

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Recently I've been dealing with the fact that I'm not stinking rich. Yes, I do quite well, but having a little change in my pocket is nothing compared to being able to pay off the national debt with the money I find between the cushions of my couch.

This desire to be filthy rich I guess comes from the fact that I'm getting older and I detest the idea of going to a nursing home. I'd much rather have enough money to stay at home with three or four live-in nurses and be able to pay them enough money so I won't feel guilty when I'm no longer able to wipe my own bottom.

The only thing I need in order to be swimming in moola is a simple idea for a product that everybody needs and that I can make with very little effort.

And the key to this product is that people have to throw it away and buy more.

The kinds of products I'm talking about are things like trash bags. We buy them at the store knowing full well that we're going to fill them with nasty things and throw them away. The person who thought of trash bags was a genius.

Toilet paper was another great idea. We buy a trillion rolls a year, and 30 cents times a trillion rolls is a lot of cash to flush down the toilet.

Kleenex is another product that you shouldn't sneeze at. Pull it out, blow a snotball into it, then throw it in the trash bag. And if you run out during the cold season, you'll kill for another box.

And what about wrapping paper? A present for me? How nice! Rip, rip, tear, rip some more and throw it on the floor. Pick it up, put it in the trash bag, use a Kleenex to wipe away the tears of joy, and buy some more.

Yes, indeed, when I find a product like that, I'll be swimming in an ocean of cash. And I promise not to forget the little people like you who made it all possible.