Spare No Child's Left Behind

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Marcus Spilling, Stinky Creek Independent School District’s superintendent, announced today that when students return to school in the Fall, they better stay focused on their school work or they'll be in for a big surprise.

“Every year the state comes out with new regulations and programs to help our students learn,” Spilling said. “Some of them work, and some of them are just reincarnations of old programs that didn’t work. This year we’ve come up with a program of our own and we think it’s going to do wonders for our students. It’s called ‘Spare No Child’s Left Behind.’”

According to Spilling, “Spare No Child’s Left Behind” is a program designed to get back to the basics of running a school.

“We’re getting back to the ‘Three R’s’ plus adding a fourth one,” Spilling said. “The students are either going to work hard on their Reading, ‘Riting, and ‘Rithmetic or they’re going to experience the Rod.”

According to Spilling, “sparing the rod” has definitely spoilt the children who attend school in Stinky Creek.

“Used to be if a child wasn’t doing what they were supposed to, we’d take them out in the hall and bust them a good one,” Spilling said. “Us teachers would gather in the teacher’s lounge and brag about how high we lifted Johnny off the floor. I’m not saying all the bragging was a good thing, but sometimes Johnny NEEDED to feel a little heat on his britches. SNCLB will take us back to where we need to be.”

Stinky Creek Principal Ed Terry says the new program will be in force on Day No. 1 when school starts.

“Most of the time when the state comes up with a new program, they fail to send us the resources we need or extra money to buy those resources,” Terry said. “With ‘Spare No Child’s Left Behind,’ we won’t have that problem. We’re using our summer school students to make oak paddles for every teacher. These things will last forever.”

“SNCLB may not solve all our problems,” Superintendent Spilling said, “but we’re going to give it a swing.”