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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
Spittoon Features
Front Page The Daily Spittoon is updated every Monday morning before the entire staff heads over to the Stinky Creek Saloon for lunch. If you have any complaints, don't interrupt us while we're eating. Just send us an email. Send all
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I'm Just a Guy Are you tired of that flab around the middle? Do you dream of hitting it big in real estate? Do you wish your floor was so clean you could eat sushi off it? Do you wish you could Polka like there was no tomorrow? If you do, then you need the World Famous All-In-One Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System. Just one week of using the World Famous Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System will not only line your wallet with more money than it can hold, but it will also clean your house while giving you the rock-hard Polka Abs that you’ve always dreamed of. Don’t just take my word for it. Listen to what real people have to say about it: “At first I was skeptical that cleaning the house would actually give me the body I wanted, but within two weeks I’d lost 13 pounds, I made over $5,000 in flipping my neighbor’s house, and now my Polka Abs are the talk of the Community Center. The World Famous Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System is the only thing that will make you feel young again and earn you enough money to enjoy it.” 75-year-old Bernie of Fort Worth. Think about it. No more crunches to get those fabulous looking abs; No more wishing your carpet was as clean as your Aunt Edna’s in El Paso; No more being a wallflower while your Polka friends are dancing the night away. Now, with this incredible one-time offer, you too can have it all! And if you order the World Famous Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System before you read the last paragraph, we’ll throw in the fabulous 5-CD collection of Barry Manilow Singing The Polka Hits of the 70s. “I mainly ordered The System so I could make ungodly amounts of money in real estate. But when I heard Barry singing those Polka tunes, my feet just started jumping around like they had a mind of their own. Since using The System I’ve lost 9 pounds, my house has never looked cleaner, I can’t believe how my abs look, and I’m the Polka Queen of Galveston. I’ll never be the same again.” 49-year-old Sherry of Galveston. You might think you’d pay $9,000 for this incredible life-changing system. But no! You get the World Famous All-In-One Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System for not one, not two, not three, but FOUR easy payments of $2,250. But wait! If you order before you read the last paragraph, you get free shipping to anywhere in the United States -- except for those states that gave delegates to Mike Huckabee. This device has changed the lives of several people across the country, and it can do the same for you. But you must act now! Paragraphs are running out! Be the first on your block to own the World Famous All-In-One Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System. “Getting old is not fun. Your feet always hurt, your back is stiff, you can’t hear like you used to, and you can only Polka for 11 minutes before collapsing in a chair. Since I’ve been using The System, I have the firmest abs in town and I have the energy to Polka well past my bedtime. And when my neighbors bang on the wall, yelling at me to turn down my Polka CDs, it really makes me feel like a kid again! They just don’t understand that when you listen to Barry, it has to be loud.” 92-year-old Beth of Amarillo. There’s not another vacuum enhancement system on this planet that can pick up sheet metal screws and cat vomit faster than The System. There’s not another real estate house flipping scheme that can put more money in your pocket than The System. There’s not another all-in-one fitness machine that can give you fabulous Polka Abs like The System. And it can be yours if you order today! The World Famous All-In-One Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System cannot be bought in stores and it is not available at your local gym. It is only available through this once-in-a-lifetime offer. Sentences are running out. Salesmen are standing by to take your order. Don’t miss this life-changing opportunity. Order your All-In-One Polka Abs House Flipping Fuel Cell Powered Vacuum Enhancement System -- Today! |
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The Daily Spittoon is an independently owned rural newspaper. |
