Husband, wife feud over 'stuff'

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Jeff and Dorothy James agree they have way too much "stuff." Jeff wants to get rid of it all, giving the salvageable stuff to charity and throwing the rest in the trash; Dorothy wants to keep it all, putting the "older stuff" in storage just in case they may need it in the future. Neither one of them is willing to bow down to the other. So instead, they've come to the readers of The Daily Spittoon to decide what to do with their stuff in our first ever Spittoon Poll called, "To Stuff or Not To Stuff?"

"I've been telling her for years that we have way too much stuff, but she never listens," Jeff said. "When a person has to step over, around, under and through things in order to get to the fridge, that person has too much stuff. And that's exactly what we have -- way too much stuff."

"I agree with Jeff, but his solution is too radical for me," Dorothy said. "He wants to set a match to it all and watch it burn. Well, what about my Pretty Minute Doll collection? What about our first coffee maker? What about the box of rocks I collected -- and meant to polish but I haven't got around to it yet -- collected from the hospital rock garden the day after our second son was born 19 years ago? Is all that just mere stuff needing to be torched? I think not. They are memories, and you don't incinerate memories."

"You say collection, I say garbage. Collection, garbage, collection, garbage. Let's call the who thing stuff," Jeff sang. "She hates it whenever I do that."

And indeed she does.

"I know -- while we're burning all our stuff, how about we throw your silly baseball hat collection into the fire just for fun," Dorothy said to Jeff. "I've always hated those baseball hats."

"Not my hats," Jeff said. "They actually mean something. They mean a whole lot more than your silly button collection. And please tell me why you even have a button collection -- you don't even sew!"

"You wouldn't understand," Dorothy said. "You're just a guy."

"And darn proud of it too, thank you very much," Jeff said.

As you can see dear readers, Jeff and Dorothy need our help. Send an email to NoMoreStuff@stinkycreektexas.com and tell us if a) Jeff is right and needs to start collecting firewood; b) Dorothy is right and should tell Jeff to stuff it; or c) they both need therapy.

Together, we'll help Jeff and Dorothy decide whether "To Stuff or Not To Stuff."