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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
Spittoon Features
Front Page The Daily Spittoon is updated every Monday morning before the entire staff heads over to the Stinky Creek Saloon for lunch. If you have any complaints, don't interrupt us while we're eating. Just send us an email. Send all
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April 15; It's time to pay the piper
By Tracy Farr You've weathered through 12 months of a worsening economy; gasoline prices are still lower than milk prices but not by much; your home is decreasing in value with every breath you take; you can't get a flight to your Aunt Edna's in El Paso because the airliners have cancelled flights; health insurance premiums make it virtually impossible to save for retirement; and the Bush administration believes global warming is just a passing fad. We hope you've enjoyed the show, but now it's time to pay for all the fun. "This has been a lousy year, but we still have to pay the cost of admission," said Darryle Saunders, local IRS representative. "Some people don't have to pay so much because they went to the matinee, while others have to pay more because they bought drinks and popcorn. Either way, you've got to pay." Saunders said the best thing to do is bite the bullet and write the check. "It's best to pay now rather than to put it off and have to pay with interest later," Saunders said. "It's just a matter of tightening the belt, biting the bullet, and doing what needs to be done. Yes, it might hurt for awhile, you might not get to buy all those fancy groceries until the summer, but you'll be helping our youth -- the fattest and unhealthiest kids on the planet -- trim down and lose all those unwanted pounds." Saunders says one of the biggest mistakes Americans can make is to decide not to pay at all. "Some misguided people think they can get by with it, but in the end, we root them out like maggots in rice," Saunders said. "And when we do find them, we make them pay out the wazoo." And as for those people who get a refund, Saunders says it is simply un-American to keep the money when politicians are in dire need of a pay raise. "Do you want to help America? Do you want to see our national debt obliterated? Do you want to see the dollar rise in value again on the global market? Then send that money straight to the treasury department where it belongs," Saunders said. "You obviously did okay without it all those months, so send it where our government can put it to good use. We're in a war against terror, you know, and we all should play our part." According to Saunders, he will be getting a refund check this year, but he won't be sending it back to the government. "I'm an employee of the federal government," Saunders said. "It's in the constitution that we don't have to practice what we preach." |
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The Daily Spittoon is an independently owned rural newspaper. |
