The Spit   

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

I recently lost my password and I had no idea where to look for it -- that is until I had a very enlightening conversation with someone who is more technologically savvy than me. The following exchange of emails (which is pert-near accurate, but I wouldn't swear to it) is an almost true account of how a member of the techno elite helped a poor backwaters guy find his password.  The names have been changed not to protect the innocent, but because I forgot to ask for permission to reprint this string of emails. 

The following was my plea for help:

Dear Mrs. Shipwoman.  Would you be ever so kind as to help a decrepit old man across a technological street?  I would like to be able to read my email from the web, but I have misplaced my password and can’t remember where I put it.  Usually, when I head off to sleep late at night (which used to be midnight, but as I get older is usually closer to 7:30), I lay my password on my bedside table alongside my glasses, dentures, pocket knife, and any spare change I’ve accumulated during the day. But this morning when I woke up, I couldn’t find it anywhere.  Yes, I looked under things and over things, but it was nowhere to be found.  Maybe I left it somewhere else? I don’t know, probably.  But how would I know if I can’t remember?  Don’t ask me, because I don’t know.  Thus, any assistance you can give me would be greatly appreciated – that is, unless YOU don’t know what my password is and can’t retrieve it.  If that is the case, then I guess I’m doomed to never reading my email anyplace else but in my own little office, on my own little computer (the same computer that sounds like it’s about to fly over Germany and bomb the you-know-what out of the Nazis), during regular business hours.  Yours faithfully in all things techno.  Farr

And now, gentle readers, the practically word-for-word response I received:

If I understand your lingo, you are wanting your password to access your email using the web from anywhere….if that is the case your password is what you log into the computer with (network login), does not matter where you are….should be FARRT (HA HA -- that REALLY gives us a chuckle; in fact, most of the time we're rolling in the floor, crying with laughter) -- therefore, if you can login @ school then you should know what your password is.   Hope this was helpful knowledge to you….from Techno Land.

Did you notice the sophomoric attempt at humor?  I dare say, and YOU would dare say too, that this left me with no choice but to send the following response:

Concerning my login name – It gives me great enjoyment to know that my "last name first initial" user-id gives the staff of the techno department such immense pleasure.  I just love it when I can make people laugh (whether it be TO my face or BEHIND my back). Many years ago I tried to explain to the "powers that be" that my user-id, although it provided chuckles for some, did nothing but cause me embarrassment.  My well-being was nonetheless not on their agenda.  Seeing that my plight was falling on deaf ears, I thought it better to adjust to being embarrassed throughout my tenure at MVISD and live with it.  Or, as Susan Dentist always says, "Suck it up, buttercup!". 

Through her next response, I quickly discovered that the members of the techno society are very left brained -- meaning they literally take things literally:

Do you not recall that I am DEAF….are you making fun of me falling on Deaf ears!!!

Since she is a kind woman and I had no desire to hurt her feelings (because I really need a new computer and she could put a good word in for me to the powers that be -- not that it would help) I decided to respond thusly:

Ah, well, I would never make fun of someone who is actually deaf – just those poor souls who claim to have perfect hearing but refuse to use them for the betterment of others.  Besides, have you actually FALLEN on deaf ears?  That would be kindof painful, depending on how you fell.  : )

Did you notice the humor in the last sentence and the smiley face on the end?  It didn't help:

No I am one of the lucky ones whose hearing is gone but through modern technology have aids to help me hear.  But I can also turn them off when I choose to not listen!!!!  And I also know where the delete key is so I can get rid of any of your insane messages without have to read them!!!!!  You need to stop using up our precious computer bandwidth with your crud (I thought about saying crap, but I'm too polite).