The Spit

Just A Couple of Ordinary Days

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Tuesday -- The other day, as I was driving up Elm Street, I saw 98-year-old Gerty Stuart sitting on her porch, in her rocking chair, just knitting away as fast as her 98-year-old hands would let her.

Seeing the potential for a news feature on the secrets of long living, I stopped the car and headed up to the porch. I asked her if it would be okay if I sat by her, talked to her a bit, and wrote a story about her for The Daily Spittoon -- and of course she said it would be no trouble at all. So, I sat and chatted while she knitted and we had a real good conversation -- up until she gave me the secret to keeping her heart strong.

"My doctor says I need to eat right and exercise," she said, "but my knees are not what they used to be. He suggested a lot of different things but nothing seemed enjoyable for a woman of my age. And then I had a bright idea."

Gerty put her knitting in her lap, brushed back her gray hair, and looked me right in the eyes.

"Every night I fix myself a warm glass of milk, take my vitamins, and watch a dirty movie," she said without a hint of blushing. "If watching one of those things doesn't get your heart a pumping, then nothing will."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the secret to Gerty Stuart's long life and healthy heart. I don't recommend it for everyone, but when your 98, you can do whatever you want to.

Friday -- I’m not a really big complainer — well, not all the time — but it’s too hot! And it seems that every year the world is just getting hotter and hotter.

And you know why the world is getting hotter and hotter?

The greenhouse effect.

And you know what causes the greenhouse effect?

Lawnmowers.

And you know how we could stop the greenhouse effect?

Stop mowing our yards.

At least that’s the sacrifice I’m going to make in order to slow down global warming.

If everybody stopped mowing their yards, nobody would be trying to outdo their neighbors in lawn care, and nobody would feel the pressure to mow their lawns just to keep the neighbors from complaining.

If everybody stopped mowing their yards, we could finally get rid of that insane Yard-Of-The-Month game.

If everybody stopped mowing their yards, we could spend more time doing useful things like watching television, and I know for a fact that just that alone would increase the life span of every male in the universe. (I recently conducted a study that proves that women live longer than men because men do most of the yard work. Now that I think about it, it’s women who are always nagging their husbands to mow the yard. Are they trying to get rid of us?)

Did you know that one trip around the yard with a lawn mower releases more pollutants into the air than if you drove a car around the yard?

Did you know that every time you mow the yard, you drink more water, which puts a strain on our local water company, which puts a strain on our power plants that in turn releases more pollutants, which causes the hole in the ozone layer to increase, which causes the earth to heat up. (Actually, if there’s a hole up there, you would think that the heat would escape through it and cause the world to freeze, but I’m not a scientist — I’m just trying to get out of a little yard work.)

Did you know that if everybody stopped mowing their yards, we as a nation could save billions of dollars a year in fuel cost, which would slow down production of oil, which would decrease the cost of gasoline, which would probably destabilize the world economy, which would probably cause an oil crises in the middle east, which would probably end in World War III?

You mean to tell me, that If I don’t mow my yard I could be the cause of the end of the world as I know it?

Sounds to me like a government ploy to keep us using gasoline so the big oil companies can get bigger and richer and afford better air conditioners while us little guys sweat it out in the yard and die an early age.

But, just in case, my grass does seem to be getting a little taller.
I think I’ll go see if my lawn mower is still working.