The Spit

The Price of Being Numero Uno

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Once upon a time in the city of Naperville, Ill, there lived a lot of darn good American kids who got in trouble for doing the "right" thing.

You see, these youngsters were at a party where, unbeknownst to them, some of their underage peers were drinking alcohol.  When the police showed up, all of those God Bless American kids who were NOT drinking we're ticketed for being at the same party with those who WERE drinking.

And that's when the ruckus started.

Naperville, a highly respectable suburb of Chicago, is a community that was recently named as one of the nations' most desirable places to live.  But as all Napervillians know, something ain't quite right in Bismark.

In their infinite wisdom, the Naperville City Council recently passed an ordinance making it illegal for underage non-drinking Americans to be in the same room with other underage DRINKING Americans.  If caught, they are ticketed, fined or made to do 20 hours of community service.

Of course we all want our underage Americans to follow the rules and stay away from that devil alcohol until they are well past 21, but you and I both know why the Naperville authorities are so set on ticketing those who attend the parties -- it's to keep the fair city of Naperville at the top of the list of the most desirable places in which to live.  And to that end, who knows what kinds of ordinances are lurking in Naperville's future?

It's possible that Napervillians who are out for a Sunday drive in the family car, heading to Grandma's house for a bowl of hot apple cobbler topped with vanilla ice cream, will soon be ticketed for speeding if they are caught on the same road with OTHER people who are speeding, heading to who knows where but in an awfully big hurry.

What happens if you are in a convenience store buying chips and hot sauce for the office party when some long-haired punk is caught shoplifting a package of Juicy Fruit gum and a bottle of Yoohoo?  It's possible that in the not-too-distant future you and he both will be spending some time in the pokey, singing chain gang songs and eating off a tin plate.

Watch out if you happen to be at the theater watching an R-rated movie starring Drew Barrymore and an underage American is caught twelve rows behind you sipping on a soda.  Everybody's going to be ushered out except for the guy with the broom sweeping up all the spilt popcorn.

And, if you're one of our young school-aged Americans, don't dare be caught in the same classroom as someone who is cheating on their final social studies exam about the national products of some faraway country that nobody has ever heard about.  You'll be heading to three days of in-school suspension with brutes who NEVER study for social studies exams and make zeros in physical education and lunch.