The Spit

Stand Up For The Big Bowl

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

My fellow Americans,

Some may say that the fall of the family unit was predestined with the advent of color television; some may argue that the Internet is to blame; but I submit to you today that family life as we know it has been irreparably damaged by one thing and one thing alone -- having to hide the fact that when a restaurant offers free ice cream for desert, we want to eat that free ice cream out of the big soup bowls instead of the itsy bitsy small bowls they give us.

Families inherently want to do the right thing, whether it be to help people in time of need or to support the local community in worthwhile projects. And parents want to set good examples for their children so they will eventually become productive, law-abiding citizens. But what example are we parents setting when, after being given little bowls for ice cream, we use the big soup bowls instead?

We take that big soup bowl, hide it behind our backs or under our arms, and briskly walk to the ice cream machine in the hopes of not being seen. The one thing that goes through our minds is not whether to get the vanilla or chocolate or the vanilla-chocolate swirl, but whether or not others will view us as out-of-control gluttons.

That's right, I see you nodding your head.

We fear that, if caught, the management will parade us through the aisles like some kind of side-show monstrosity, only good for taking up space and eating out of the "wrong" dishes.

And what do our children learn from all this? Is it possible they learn that if you want something bad enough it's okay to "break the law"?

I submit to you that this blight on the American family would be eliminated if the management of these restaurants would get rid of those wimpy bowls and let us eat our ice cream the way it should be eaten -- in big bowls; sometimes with cobbler on the bottom; sometimes not.

Our forefathers, in writing the Constitution of the United States of America, believed that all men were created equal; that truth and justice were the American way; that we should have the right to assemble and attend the church of our choice; and that we should be able to pursue happiness as long as our budget (and wives) allowed. Happiness for me is using the big bowls for ice cream and not being ashamed to admit it.

So, my fellow Americans, stand up, make yourself heard, don't settle for using the itsy bitsy ice cream bowl. Be proud. Be brave. Walk to the ice cream machine with head held high and big bowl unhidden. Exercise your right to be heard.