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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
Spittoon Features
Front Page The Daily Spittoon is updated every Monday morning before the entire staff heads over to the Stinky Creek Saloon for lunch. If you have any complaints, don't interrupt us while we're eating. Just send us an email. Send all
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I'm Just a Guy Take my hair and cut it By Tracy Farr Editor, The Daily Spittoon My wife says I would look good with a ponytail and an earring. You probably think I’m lying, but I’m telling the absolute truth. Ask her. She’ll admit it with a straight face. I asked her if I could have a tattoo instead. A tasteful one like Mighty Mouse flying across my chest. But she gave me an “evil eye” that I’m pert near positive meant, “Do it mister, and you’ll live to regret it!” So, why is it okay to have a ponytail and an earring but it’s not okay to have a tattoo? Is this the Mars vs Venus thing you always hear about? Don’t ask me. I’m just a guy. Anyways, I prefer my hair military short and my ears un-punctured. I like my hair so short that when I wash it, I just give it a stern look and it falls into place. When I’m finished getting a haircut, I like to rub my hand against the back of my neck to feel the bristles. That’s the only way I know Tim has done a good job. Tim is my barber. He and his partner Jerry work at the barbershop near the square. Tim is a soft-spoken man who reminds me of Mr. Rogers. Jerry is like your favorite uncle who enjoys telling stories but doesn't mind tweaking a detail or two. Between them, I bet they know every guy in town. Not only that, they probably know enough “trash” about those guys that if they ever decided to go into the blackmailing business they’d be set up for life. Tim has cut my hair for about 16 years now. I would never think about going anywhere else. But I do have a confession to make: Once, in a moment of insanity, I went to one of those fancy-smancy hairstylists that charge you way too much to cut off way too little. Those places promise you’ll look 20 years younger and you’ll be the new chick-magnet in town. The reality is you come out looking like someone you wouldn’t be caught dead going fishing with. I knew it was the wrong place for me when I heard soft jazz music coming out of hidden speakers and I smelled cinnamon and apricot candles burning on a shelf. I should have turned around and gotten out of there, but like I said, I was insane at the time. When it was my turn, some woman with purple hair and brown eye shadow washed my hair, massaged my shoulders to relax me, and then cut my hair with pink scissors. There wasn’t a single hunting or fishing magazine in the place and the TV was tuned to Oprah. Let me tell you right here and now that I wasn’t relaxed, the haircut was too modern for me, and I couldn't get out of there quick enough. A guy doesn't need a massage and jazz when he gets his hair trimmed. He needs a smoke-filled room filled with old codgers who barely have enough hair to cut. He doesn’t want to watch Oprah or Dr. Phil or some health fanatic spouting off about vitamins and exercise. He wants to watch old John Wayne and Audie Murphy movies interrupted by commercials about Ford trucks and hunting dogs. A guy doesn’t want to hear women yakking away about who did this or who did that to their Aunt Edna in El Paso. He needs to hear the other guys talking about hunting, football, and the different ways to get out of doing chores for the missus at home. A guy getting a haircut needs to be able to sit there, have a cup of coffee, read magazines that describe the best way to field dress a deer, and know that no matter how many people are ahead of him, the barber will know exactly when it's his turn. One time at the barbershop, I was so interested in an article about the best hiking boots to wear while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania that Tim let me have the magazine. Do you think the fancy-smancy place would have let me take one of THEIR magazines? Not in a million years. In fact, they would have probably called the cops and had me arrested for magazine-lifting. Yessirree! When it comes to having my hair cut, there’s no better place to go than the barbershop near the square. Keep up the good work Tim and Jerry, and I’ll see you on Wednesday. |
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The Daily Spittoon is an independently owned rural newspaper. |
