Doping allegations
rock Tour de Stinky

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

The annual Tour de Stinky will start as usual today, but amid allegations of sugar doping by some of the athletes.

“We’ve got to do something about these parents giving their children obscene amounts of candy before the race in the hopes of giving them a sugar-induced burst of energy,” said Bud Henderson, owner of the Stinky Creek Saloon and sponsor of the race. “Parents are so intent on their little Johnny or Suzy being the next Lance Armstrong or Jan Ullrich that they’ll do anything to give them a little extra push.”

The Tour de Stinky is an annual Fourth of July event where kids of all ages race around Stinky Creek in the hopes of being declared King of the Tour de Stinky. Along with the title comes a brand new bicycle of their choice as well as a years’ supply of Dubble Bubble Bubblegum.

“We’ve got to do something about the sugar doping,” Bud Henderson said, “or our sport will be inundated with chubby fat kids who think scarfing down a Mars Bar, three Twinkies and a box of Kit Kats is the only way to get ahead in this world.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Marvin Blakely whose son is participating in the 4-year-old tricycle category. “If my son is going to have any chance of some day competing at the professional level, he’s going to have to learn that performance-enhancing substances are all part of the game. It’s ugly to think about, but it’s reality.”

Just because some of the big names in the sport of bicycling are using drugs to enhance their performance doesn’t mean that it’s right, according to Bud Henderson.

“Yes, it’s going on by some of the professionals, but that doesn’t mean we should condone their actions by cramming Snickers Bars down the throats of our kids in the hopes of winning some bubble gum,” Bud Henderson said. “The pros who are caught are being suspended from their sport, so I guess in the future we’re going to have to do some blood-sugar testing. Hopefully the thought of being stuck by a very long needle will keep some of these kids away from the sugar – at least before the race. After the race, if they want to eat candy bars until they puke, that’s their choice.”