Up-to-the-moment traffic report

Please be aware that all Stinky Creek streets will be full of Halloween Trick or Treaters Wednesday.  Please be on the lookout for ghosts, goblins, witches, zombies and Hanna Montanas.  Drivers do NOT get extra points for hitting children dressed like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears -- so don't even try.

The traffic light on Main Street, which was stolen several weeks ago, was found in the Crappy County Landfill and will be replaced sometime this week.  Drivers should be on the lookout for Ted Banks as he replaces the light. Please drive slowly around his ladder.  Ted's arm has finally healed from the last time he worked on the light, and he wishes to never see the inside of an emergency room again.  Any help you can give in the matter will be greatly appreciated. 

Mrs. Myrtle Higgins' 1976 Red VW, which broke down in the 900 block of Elm Street back in 1983, is still there on the right side of the street as you're heading away from town. It's not actually in the way, so continue to go around it as usual. Mrs. Higgins great-great grandson says he'll be by to pick it up sometime in the future.