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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
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The Official Newspaper of Stinky Creek, Texas |
Spittoon Features
Front Page The Daily Spittoon is updated every Monday morning before the entire staff heads over to the Stinky Creek Saloon for lunch. If you have any complaints, don't interrupt us while we're eating. Just send us an email. Send all
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I'm Just a Guy The future of Texas is in UFOs By Tracy Farr Have you noticed that while most of the country is sliding into a recession, the state of Texas seems to be weathering the storm quite well? You have? Good, I thought maybe I just dreamed it. Well then, you’ve probably also noticed that every state in the union is battling problems ranging from the housing market to oil prices to cheap Starbucks coffee – every state that is except for Texas. Something has kept Texas protected from all that mess, and I think I know what it is -- Flying Saucers. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen – little green men hovering over Stephenville, Texas in souped-up flying machines are the only thing keeping this wonderful state from being flushed down the economic toilet. Now, I’m fully aware that some of you are convinced that UFOs are nothing more than optical illusions created by the Air Force. But there are quite a lot of you out there who believe like me that little green men in little green suits may not actually exist, but the IDEA of them is enough to bring a ton of people and their dogs to come visit for awhile. And of course when people and their dogs come to visit, they eat a lot of pizza and puppy chow. Think about it – nobody who lived outside of Texas knew that Stephenville even existed. But then, WHAMO! UFOs are spotted all over town and now everyone and their Aunt Edna from El Paso can Google the town, get directions, and make summer vacation plans for a once-in-a-lifetime sci-fi pilgrimage. It’s pert near impossible to get close to Area 51, but Stephenville is just down the road. There are no fences to cut through, no guards to deal with, and while you’re there, you might as well stay in a quaint bed and breakfast and try some homemade apple cobbler. Yes indeed! Step aside King Oil – Texas has a new cash cow. And if we strike while the iron is hot, we could turn the entire state into a financial success story that any alien would be happy to phone home about. But we’ve got to have a plan. The first thing we need to do is build a theme park, complete with rides, variety shows, a midway, and $4 waffle cakes. Actors in little green men suits could parade through the park on an hourly basis, stopping to have their pictures made with you, your kids, and Aunt Bessie visiting from Corpus. The pictures would set you back $5 a pop, but the memory would be priceless. We could call it UFOs Over Texas. Admission would only cost $65 for adults. Anyone who could prove they had been abducted by aliens would get in free. Next, we need to replace our seasonal Bluebonnet Trails with year-round Texas UFO Trails. Visitors could follow an official Texas UFO Trails Map and stop at roadside parks where extra-terrestrials are “known” to congregate. There, they can either scan the skies through sightseeing binoculars that only cost four quarters per minute, or they can have their pictures made in front of plywood-painted flying saucers. Better yet, stick your kid’s head through the cutout hole and it looks like they’re flying the thing. If you have any questions about the trail, just ask one of the nice rangers at a local Texas UFO Visitor Center. And what will our visitors be listening to as they drive from landing site to landing site? None other than K-UFO – All UFO, All The Time. The only 24-Hour UFO Satellite Radio Station in the world willing to bounce 50,000 megawatts of power off anything and everything that might be orbiting up there. The possibilities are endless. Communities could throw UFO block parties and encourage neighbors to meet neighbors while scanning the night sky for unexplained bright lights. Civic groups could throw alien masquerade charity balls where nobody would be able to tell a fake alien from a real one. Entrepreneurs could open up themed restaurants. Retail stores could sell alien pajama sets and neckties. And mom and pop souvenir shops could sell flying saucer thermometers and bags of chocolate-covered nuts peddled as Little Green Men poop. Yes, friends and neighbors, this country is in the midst of change. To survive, we Texans need to explore new pathways and new ideas. It’s time for us to start looking in a new direction. It’s time for us to start looking up. |
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The Daily Spittoon is an independently owned rural newspaper. |
