City mourns death of local weather lady

By Tracy Farr
Editor, The Daily Spittoon

Oh, what cruel irony.

Mrs. Suzanna Farmer was known around Stinky Creek as the lady who could tell you anything you ever wanted to know about the weather. She could tell you what yesterday's morning temperature was, when the next cool front was likely to come through, how much rain was expected to fall next week, as well as whether or not Crappie County was in a thunderstorm warning or a thunderstorm watch.

For many, many years Mrs. Farmer was a weather watcher for Channel 9, Stinky Creek's TV station. She would call in to report what the temperature was at her house and how many inches of rain had fallen overnight.  When the 6 p.m. news came on, Channel 9 weatherman Allen Peever would say, "It's 52 degrees at Suzanna Farmers' house," or he'd say, "Three inches of rain fell overnight at Suzanna Farmers' house."

Mrs. Farmer was a local celebrity. But she was also an ECCENTRIC local celebrity.

Mrs. Farmer was obsessed with what was happening outside in regards to weather. She'd watch the early-morning weather forecast at 7 a.m., the afternoon forecast at lunch, the early evening forecasts at 5 and 6 p.m., and then the late forecast at 10 p.m. She had five different weather-forecast programs running on her computer all the time, and she also had a weather alert radio monitor that would screech whenever the county was under some kind of weather warning.

Now, you and I know that weather reports from weathermen (and ladies) should sometimes be taken with a grain of salt. We all know how "reliable" weather reports can be -- but Suzanna Farmer believed in every forecast as if they were divine messages sent from the mouth of God. If the weatherman said there was a 20 percent chance of rain, Mrs. Farmer would be decked out in her rain boots and poncho, even though it was sunny outside. If the forecast predicted a warm front coming through, she'd be in shorts and tennis shoes even if the temperature was 28 degrees. And if there was the slightest chance that a thunderstorm could produce a tornado, Mrs. Farmer wouldn't come out of her storm shelter until the "all clear" was given.

That's why it's sad for me to report that a freak bolt of lightning struck and killed Suzanna Farmer today.

Eyewitnesses to the incident say Mrs. Farmer was dressed for warm sunny weather when she entered the Stinky Creek Super Market to do her shopping. As she was leaving, storm clouds covered the sky, and a sprinkling of rain was beginning to fall. July Tower, one of the cashiers, heard Mrs. Farmer declare, "It's not really raining because the forecast today was for sunny and mild."

Mrs. Farmer didn't make it to her car before the bolt of lightning crashed down on top of her, sending her shopping basket careening into parked cars and her tennis shoes flying both east and south.

Mrs. Farmer was pronounced dead at the scene.

It goes without saying that the local weather reports will not be the same due to her passing. And we all hope and pray that while she's up there in Heaven, she'll give God a few tips about forecasting the weather.